No Milk Tonight.

I don't know what will happen next after this. I just wanted this to end.

When I wanted to cry, I couldn't cause I wasn't allowed. I don't wanna cry again for the same lame reasons. I forbid myself from crying. Its because I get weaker every time I do. I wanted to stop feeling this way. I wanted to stop suffering. They said I'm just too emotional--teasing me like I'm not serious about this. It hurts a little bit. Its the first time I ever felt this lonely. I feel homeless.

Before, there's a lot of things I can do. Compose a song, compose poems and essays and stories, play both guitar and keys, I also enjoy dancing, I draw, and I tried photography recently. I was happy and lively. Everyday was a gift, a present I had been enjoying everyday. Challenges are the one that molds me through and through. I dreamed not just every night as I sleep but all the time through morning til afternoon that someday I'll reach those stars I look upon every night. I was inspired by my own spirit.

Later, I started to feel lonesome. Until I feel uninspired. Years had past then, I thought I just need a break or a fine ambiance to live in. I tried to fight the feeling and relaxed a bit. But nothing's change. Everything turned worst.

The people who cares:

shermine--she cares a lot but can't understand the way I feel coz we're in the different lane of interest. She always says sorry for that.

jinkee--she's just like shermine, she cares but doesn't understand me.

niel--he's the one who always there for me.

I just thought that it is really me who's helpless. I feel sorry for myself. I want to say sorry for them coz I can't do the things they want me to do. Coz I can't stand again, coz I can't be me. Sorry for being lame and loser. I can't hide it anymore, the proof are all around me. I've change. I turned into a paranoid, a stranger to myself even to them. I tried to stand and undo all the things I've done and said but I can't. I just can't.

I realized, those things I usually do. They're all senselessness. I thought that I'm different and people will surely love me coz I'm great and unique. But they don't. They don't even notice me. Its like I'm just a normal person and damn so stupid me coz I really think I'm great and unique but damn I AM NOT! I thought I can be like the girl I idolized ever since I tried photography but shit I CAN'T BE!

I have no chances at music, my songs have no chance to be heard nor liked by people. I gave them up coz I decided to pursue arts. To pursue photography or drawing or digital arts. But shit, you don't really know how much I want them to hear on stage.

How about my stories? I really love to start them all but I can't, I'm always lack of ideas and always not on the mood to write. When will I? Its been three years since I said to myself I'll going to write them.

I don't know which way to go now. I don't know where to find my way back home. Everything I want faded away. I feel stolen. I developed negative feelings inside me. I feel terribly envious, insecure, unpretty, loser. Everyday was a suffering. Sometimes I don't want to wake up anymore. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I want to rest.

Being positive is not enough anymore. I don't know how to handle things now. In school I feel pressured on our subjects. On my passion I feel unnoticed. I always ask "Bat laging yung kinuhanan k lng yung napapansin? Bat laging sila? Panu ako?"

I get angry whenever they reprimand me but..I can't just do it.

Maybe this is pointless. Its ok, I am always pointless.
I am always pointless.
I am always pointless.
I am always pointless.

Tonight even though I forbid myself:
I just want to cry all night.