Happy New Year.

Three hundred sixty five days.

Definitely a lot had happened. Everything goes swiftly out of our conscious minds. Everything still feels "just yesterday" though it was really yesteryear. For me, this whole 364 days of my life, was really a BIG BANG! The year was shaken off with a enormous swing of BIG BANG catastrophe.

A lot had happened for sure. But before the year gone passed, there are some heart warming events that made me..uhm ..a little bit steered up. Like for example the Twilight Saga Book Collection--I don't have them all as a touchable or the hard copy (the book for short) though. Only Twilight, the rest was a PDF file. Its hard coz I feel uncomfortable sitting and slouching every minute spent concentrating on the eye soaring monitor for hours. I still prefer the book so I can carry them whenever, wherever.

Another were some churches activities. We've dance for our Year End Socializing held once a year. That is why its hard to miss the event. You'll suffer from some people who did enjoy the gathering and will try to reminisce the happenings on time--and that will surely be means as soon and again and again forever coz every year they'll mention that.

We did dance with 80's groove. We did the choreography too and I love my dress that night.

I had fun while dancing.

Shy type? :D

And we did some bonding.


From left to right: JM, Angelo, Love, Efren, Aris

hahaha super star!

It did gone so well. And after the celebration the next day was worst (I am actually pertaining to this day). Yep! You've read the line--worst!

Ordinary to Extra.

I can't get over it.

I feel more and more stupid everyday.

I wanted to be different, to be somewhat unique from those typical person doing typical stuffs over and over again without feeling nuts. But I can't escape it. Just for damn reasons I don't know why I can't.

I'm nothing but just a plain stupid thinking that I was something more precious.
I'm not good at anything, I'm only good at trying to sell my fake talents.

Even if I tried my best to wrap those talents I thought I posses carefully in my arms, I still can't stop them falling.

Look at my photos, obviously they are just like the other photos. Normal and typical. And much worst, they we're just like Zemotion's works. It hurts really trying to abound my works away but as good as hers and falling with same commentary. Just look at my blog. Just look at this stupid blog! This blog is the best proof for my indecency.

Even in school works. I often tried to protest whenever people does not make use of my design which is not really necessarily "mine" alone.

Liar. Fake and stupid.

I was just trying to break free. To break the silences and be extraordinary.
Sorry for all the causes. Sorry for being stupid.

I can't get over it.

Night.

After all the jam frenzies these past weeks, finally the most awaited event came: The Foundation Day.

But before the main event, let me tell you the whole story behind that every molded inch of its almost perfect figure. Of course there goes the unresisting jams we had. Playful, funny and totally enjoyable. From the very first day I joined their practice--Paul, Ace, Ren, and Drew--I never stop wanting to joined almost every session they had. Until they decided to invite me as vocals.

A week before the event, we practice a lot. Every afternoon everyday of the whole week we practiced. The songs we prepared are:

Sweet Child - Guns n' Roses
Smooth - Carlos Santana feat. Thomas Rob
Bulong - Kitchie Nadal
Laklak - Teeth
Truly, Madly, Deeply - Savage Garden : later on we added

I was the vocals on Bulong and Truly, Madly, Deeply while the rest was taken care by Ace--I just did some background voicing. Truly, I had a lot of fun bonding with those people. I love those moments I had with them. I feel inspired and bubbly whenever I'm with them.

JAMMING
Behind

PAUL

ANDREW

ACE

REN

A lot--really--had happened. Like for example those late meetings and misunderstood's where to meet, or where to practice stuffs including the planers whose eventually the late comers--that part was so irritating--and the registration, the tickets complications together with some organization problems and works. It was totally a very stressing week, but behalf of that was the fun. The fun I enjoyed the most.

THE PILGRIMS
Transformations

Yep! This was the name of our band which was technically I don't know why. Well, I just let them decide. Before the music night, about 5 in the afternoon we had jam at the same studio but apparently with unusual audiences--to be specific, other campus bands.

Just one more small detail. I brought Niel with me at the campus that night. But he didn't make it to see me perform the whole night. He just saw me once when I sang for our organization's presentation.

PAUL


ANDREW


ACE


REN

And of course..


LOVE

Hide Your Eyes From Me.

"Let's work this out." I was about to say. But I didn't. I wonder why. Why not?

Hear this from me, I want to settle things out again. I want to organize myself again but I don't know how or even where to start. I had enough. I can't control myself whenever the situation attacks. I'm confuse again. I don't know where to turn my head on.

I had a job but I don't know if I did perform well. They told me to make 5 layouts that I thought will give me an instant 1500php in a week. But it turned out to be a failure. Wanna know why? Its because I supposed to take the photos myself. But really its not my fault. They didn't instruct me well before so I got the photos from net. So bye-bye 1500php in a week. Next they send me photos to restore. Its kinda hard coz the photos had so much damages but still I manage to edit the photo well and I thought it will cost 400php instantly. Oh~! After that, they send me an email saying they wanted me to do a on the spot job. So I said sure and ask when, but until now, there's still no reply.

Lets go to school. I can't believe it myself, I had higher grades now compare from the past semester. I've got 90+ in programming 04 and 06, in discreet. And guess what I've only got 80 in English which was my fave subject. In physics, well expect the low grades. The important thing there is that I passed the subject. I enjoy school days these past few weeks. Full of happy hours and the fact that I perform well at lessons. That is enough for me to feel comfy at school. I once got into Dean's List before and I wanted to again.

"Study and study and study." I was about to say. But I didn't.

There's something bothers me more now. Not the lessons, not the quizzes, nor the projects but nah~! I want it to stop running in my head. I've got plenty of stuffs to muse about, I want to stop thinking bout it.

There's more. I was elected as the design manager on our course organization that was organized last semester. As the design manger, I was told to design shirt, ID, and logo. And I did thinking about "I'm proud of myself when I see those shirts and IDs wore by the members with the logo". But something puffed in on my realization this morning. I have a friend that has skills on designing too. These past few days he always consulting me on his designs specifically on shirts that is for CITES (the org I was saying above). I asked him why and he told me that those designs are for the upcoming foundation day. I agreed that it was fine, but boom just suddenly! Does that mean that they're gonna use that design instead of mine without consulting me!? Oh~! I feel bad. I feel bypassed. but still I told myself "Don't jump into conclusion, clarify it first".

I'm going to sing for Paul insisted. I wanted to anyway. But I feel..embarrassed. Wanna know why? Its because I messed up on our practice yesterday. I thought I did the good job but wah~! No I didn't, did I?

I don't want to talk to people for now. I dont want to approach them.

Strawberry Jam.

Hep hep hep hep!

Today was not really a great day. But I can say that somehow it was--a little.
The reason why was because I had encountered skirmish along the roads from morning til tonight. I feel tired and defeated. Yes indeed. I had a fight with him again and I hate it. I feel very much down. Depressed, repressed, oppressed, suppressed--whatever! Well, just get the picture.

So here we are. I'm writing this journal to tell you the good thing that had happened this afternoon.
Note: "thing" as in without "s" meaning singular. Of all good things that can happen from morning til now, its just hard to believe that there's only one good thing that put some colors on my stupid day, what do you think? Well, I'm just being paranoid.

Anyway, so here you go. Again we had music jamming this afternoon and it was really fantastic. Once again I had a great time with them. Although I'm just an extra siting and circling and running around taking pictures and being juvenile there, somehow I felt belong. They practiced and played Smooth (Rob Thomas feat. Santana). I can't help but stamp my feet when the beat of the drums goes on. I can't help but stare and amaze by how Drew rock the drums wild. And Paul, whoa! He's really good. He really got his guitar squealed, if you know what I mean. I don't know the right term for that haha.




And Ace. he gave me some Goya chocolates. I shared it with Enrica.
Speaking of her. We had a secret haha..but I'm not going to share it to you. Not here! Its really a big secret, if you want to know what, ASK ME. (tee-hee)



Basically, the lights are bad inside the studio so I found it hard to take some good frames. This one was taken behind stage beside the drums. Fascinating, I love these guys--really. This was my first time to have guy friends that were not to shabby or arrogant or sarcastic although sometimes I hate them when they keep secrets and hide them behind the words "for boys only".
Though I know that's normal. Including with them, there still someone I'd like you to meet.


Tah-dah! Its the bubbly Rafael.



We're not close to each other actually, not until I lost my green handkerchief. Funny right? Getting close with simple stuffs. He's so bubbly and we like being with him (me, enrica and mich) cause his funny. No dull moments it seems. And for more useless void information, Rafael was not CS nor IT student. Aw..ful..haha..but still were cool. We were all cool with him.

No doubts Paul is really an experienced guitarist.I knew that. I've seen the proofs. I don't knew Drew and Ren that much when it comes to performance, but I can say that they're good. Paul twice told us about Ren's improving skills. Wow! And I noticed that improving performance of him just lately.



Well, at least this time I've got the pictures nicely. (clap clap)
Paul said he wanted me to sing with the band. I'm not really sure if that's gonna happen. Well, let's just see soon.

*With Enrica and Mich and Rafael and the Band : Paul, Drew, Ace, and Renuel.

Coco Jamming.

Hep hep hep!

From left to right: Ren, Ace, Drew, and Paul.

Its been a while. So busy and stressed out yet so happy. After all the projects done, job stuffs finished, finally I can breath relaxingly. Haha. I had a great day today. I had a music jamming with friends and it was very fantastic. I've enjoyed myself singing. Actually, I haven't got the chance to play nor sing as the singer but I had so much fun just watching the band and singing with them.

Here are the photos:

Here's Paul. He's the lead guitarists and a close friend (they are all my friends anyway). A serious man with a gentle twist. He rocks! I can't help but be amazed when he plays the guitar. He's awesome! He can play almost all the songs I requested and we have the same interests in music. We become close last trimester and I really love the way he plays Faraway by Nickelback.


Andrew. We're not that close as with Paul and the others but I like him. At first, I didn't expect him as a drummer coz he looked like someone who doesn't coz he's some kind of a hottie--y'know the height the face the hair the body--(I mean he's handsome :3) but he's good. He's supposed to be my escort when I become the muse on our intramural. I can't help but giggle when he suddenly
gone out of focus with his sticks.


This naughty guy is Ace aka as Iceman. He's the vocals. He love to sing in fact he had mini videoke on his phone. I can still remember when we sang with his mini videoke at the library. Haha! The librarian reprimanded us. He's a close friends too. We become close last trimester with Paul. This guy was funny but clever and responsible. I love being with him. No dull moments.



Here's Ren. I like him coz I like quite, shy, mysterious and somewhat weird persons. That's a compliment ok. If your asking why I took the shot from behind, well, that's because he doesn't want to face us. We're not that close yet but I wanna make friends with him just like with Paul and Ace.


Ace, Drew and Paul: We are singing along. I sang and sang.


Ren and Ace: Ace seems to feel the song right here.


Ren, Ace and Drew: Sing it Iceman!


Ren and Ace: Nice pose Ren!


Playing Narda by Kamikazee. I love this shot. I manage to framed them all. I found it hard at first coz the shy Ren doesn't want to move close with his band mates. Juvenile.

In a nutshell:

Guitar - Paul
Drums - Drew
Bass - Ren
Vocals - Ace
Keyboard (future haha) - Love
Audiences and BGVoices - Love, Mich, Enrica, and Florentin

I was really happy! I hope on the next jamming, I can finally play or sing with them. I really love band. I can play guitar and keyboard but haven't got the chance to enhance my skills with them. I wanna stop my music interest before and decided to focus on arts--my drawings, designing and photography even on my literature imagination. I wanted to finish my novels and do a lot of art photography. But then suddenly coz of them, my slumbering music passion was awaken. I wanted to play and to be part. I wanted them to hear my songs. Well, let's just wait on the upcoming events. All I know right now is that I'm very happy. They made me. I was drown into a deep depression and I just wanted to be happy, to be lively and cheerful and to be sweet as the person I was before. I wanted to get close more to them--to my friends.

Addition:
Here's the sample of my latest photo shoot.

Model: Me
Photo: Me

Misplaced Inspiration.

After 1 month and 4 days, I finally had another pair of shoots. Last October 16 with Jinkee.

For the first time in our shoot (sounds professional ya but hehe just let me feel it that way), I was happy that we have our make-up artist. Tah-dah! She was Jinkee's sister. Ate Shiela. I played with the make-ups while waiting for them to finish.

Ate Shiela was good at beauty stuffs. In fact she even thought me some styles and techniques to improve my make-up skills. We're not that glamorous but I found it happy bonding with them with these simple stuffs. And note haha, its kinda funny, we don't have sponge to use with the foundation so we used baby Kraven's cottons. Baby Kraven was Ate Shiela's baby. He's cute.



Our theme was fleshy fashion approach. Something like that. So we used nude colors. 3 color combination on the eyes. On her lips we used nude lipstick and nude pink lip gloss. We used orange blush on for her chick. I was fascinated with the golden pillow so I came up with an idea of a gold dress. Flesh, nudity, black and gold: the colors circling on my head forming ideas.



Confession: Well, If you're gonna ask me I'm not really satisfied with those photos we've taken. I feel that something's missing with the photos. Or..something's missing with me.

On my shoot with Erika, I did the make-ups. Well..hehe its not good! But I have no choice. So much time was wasted and I really wanted to start the shoot. While taking pictures, I realized something.Erika was really a beauty. She just need to trash her consciousness and feel free to express her emotion and make some style: projection baby! show it!

Well its her first time. I understand.

Confession again: Still something is missing.

Lone Flourished.

Whistling wind gust on me as I walk onto the pavement of clean forestry straight road behind the chapel. Its drizzling, I put my hoods on and the raindrops are cold—I can feel them soothing through my jacket flowing to reach my skin until I finally feel them cold. I was with someone, but I do feel sole unconsciously walking along.

While I wonder I realized that that place was like green house. Full of plants and evergreen. And then I looked down and saw the fellow living life form.

Emotion Flow.

A Poem

They ebb and they flow.
What was I thinking all this time?
Does it matter if it's not shown?
Indeed, emotions can't ring it's chime.
If ignored, do not frown.

The last time I muse about the past,
Was that because everything was revealed.
So unexpected to realize its not the last:
Can't find the rigid.
Can't let go the dusk.

They ebb, they flow.
Through the pavement
My emotions they flow
My thoughts without arrangements
They ebb and they flow.

Just deal with it. Accepted.
At least there are instants they mend.

They ebb, they flow.
Through the shore
My emotions they flow
My thoughts can't soar
They ebb and they flow.

In My World.

I stood despairingly in front of the broken lumber on the floor. I’m not moving. I can’t make any tinge of movement. I am holding nothing with any connection with my broken lumber on my broken floor on my broken house. I stood still.

Lifting my head was not a very easy task for me to try. Everything was a grave for me—my soul, my mind, my heart, my body—everything is heavy. But moving was the only thing I can do to make myself busy. I rolled my eyes mapping the area’s vicinity. I moved my head unison with my deep breathing to the direction where my eyes caught something interesting in. But I did saw nothing. I just did saw nothing.

It was cold that moment. Not the temperature itself but the coldness of feeling alone that has been haunting me since. I gripped. I felt the rough texture of my broken pen wrapped absurdly in my wounded and shaking hand. It was sad. Really sad. Everything is gone. Everybody is gone. Or maybe they are not actually been here with me.

I’m all alone.

Trying to cope up with the gates of confusion I am imprisoned. Trying to find peace when I’m confused. Trying to find hope when I’m hopeless. Trying to imitate the smile I had been wearing on my face a long time ago. Everything is a trial. Just to make myself busy and progressive. But nothing is worth doing. All was just another way to dig me a deeper hole on my sentiments. I can’t do right. Maybe that is why nobody is around to help me grip a little more right at this very moment.

I’m all alone. Indeed.

Even if I try to avoid musing over the past everything I thought about is a part of it. It’s just hard to compare the past from now. Because everything is clearly obvious.

Back there, the sun was always at its comfortable heat while lighting the whole place. Back there, several people can be seen outside my house giving gifts and sharing love with each other. Of course with me also. Back there, every morning and every night is a bash, a celebration. Back there, I can hear all the sounds that everybody had made. But now, all was fogged by silence. Back there, I can feel the love that was unconditionally given. The hate that has been thrown the moment that it was realized. Everything is at peace. Back there, no one is allowed to critic me, to hate me, to lie to me, to fight me, to stab me back. But now, I just realized that it was all impossible. That it was all a dream-like would never be real even if I tried my best to be a better and nice person to the world’s countenance. Because, even if it’s sad to accept, the world itself was made that way. Back there, the wind whispers waving echoes of lullaby that sweetens people’s hearts. Unlike now, it howls the presence of disgrace and balefulness. Back there, the place was almost paradise with long fencing flowers along the barriers of it. The clouds are always high, drifting up high forming dreams and wishes. Yet they are dark and they look dirty cottons hung all over the sky now. Back there, the sky was cerulean bright.

It’s not my first time to be this disappointed on every thought I thought about. My world was half stolen by Hades as it looks. I can’t believe I’m leaving every dream that others have been dreaming about. What was it at the first place?

In my world, I never wore cover ups, never wore mask, and never ever tried to. I’m bright and happy and adventurous. Every edge in my world was thoroughly searched. I walk, I run, I jump and fly. And if somebody will make me slither, I dance. Dance until I make them to dare too. I never lied long. I’m always wide awake. I’m on progress. I’m light but not because I’m empty. I’m flying not drifting. Suspended on the wings of my silver dreams. I’m poised like a stunning lady but I think as a playful child in positivism and self recovery. I’m clever enough to protect my self from harmful attempts. I’m not envious and boastful. I care for emotions. I care for people without any conditions offered. I’m happy, not conceited, loving and most of all—satisfied.

But.

(There are buts always.)

I realized that all of them were just a thought rolling inside my head over and over again.
Not the truth, not the reality.

The truth now is that I’m different person from the one that I thought so. My world was made of envious doors and windows. Painted with dull colors of fear. Designed with curtains of mask and cover ups. Planted with trees of growing hate. Fenced with barbwires of sticking egotism. Roofed with unreachable mind that was always close to words and advices. Walled with rebelling emotions. Set at the negative side of facts. Arranged as a pile of rambled chapters of a story.

What will happen to me now? Everybody left me behind. And for those who did not, I know they starting to distance themselves from me. Even if they don’t tell me I’m not an innocent numb person not to feel that. I’m helpless. My mind was always closed to self believing and improvement. But I can’t change that fact NOT NOW that all I have in mind was that I can’t do, I can’t say anything acceptable for those people around me. Everything was just a contradiction. Everything they say was just another way for me to criticize myself more. Do I deserve criticism? Do I deserve to be pushed down through just to realize my potential? Is that it? Do I deserve that treatment? Are there any considerations that I need more affection than they know?

Now, it is more painful and hard to stand myself up. I was put into pressure that smothers me every time I caught on loosing grip. I don’t know which way to go—I’m lost—which way to shout for help—there’s no one at my side anymore—which way to pull the ropes of courage—I’ve got nothing anymore—and to whom I trust myself to—is there anyone?

With this pen I’m holding, help me draw my world. My world that has been there all along in my mind.

Eighteen Sweet Hearts.

Hep! Hep!

I had my latest photo shoot last September 12 with Erika.
She's a friend though we're not that close yet. She's Niel's sister. She's a bright, bubbly and cheerful gal and I like her because of that. I can still remember the first time I get involve with her. I was in mall with my friend Robby and she messaged the number Niel usually using to communicate with us (coz we're different on network used) and when we asked something thinking that that was Niel she suddenly said "sorry ate, hindi ako si kuya!" and we laughed. After that we kinda felt that she was fun to be with. Then I asked Niel if I could make friends with her, I text her and we kinda chatted for a short period of time. I can still remeber the last time I chated with her, it was all about the song she wanted me to make. And note! I did actually made a song for her, entitled "Maraming Bagay". She hadn't got the chance to hear the song but I bet you, she'll like it when she hears it coz 90% of the people who heard it loved it.

That time I still not know her personally until I got into friendster and saw her. I didn't really expect she's that sweet (or pretty). After that I had this urge that I wanted to make friends with her seriously and for the reason that coz I wanted her to be part of my photos. And..I can't explain either but there's something about her that made me feel comfortable even in the first time we chatted. I just feel home with her (though she's not to me).

Anyway, so there it goes, venue was at there house. Make-ups and design by me. Clothes and accesories, her. I love the photos coz its my first time to shoot with real fashion theme. Unlike my previous photos, my themes are focused on beauty alone.





I really love the shots and I admit I thought a lot of people would like it. But I guess nobody did, and if there are, again I didn't got the credits at all. Coz people will eventually love the model and the pictures itself but will never ask about the photographer--that's meee!

Well anyway, thanks Erika! You made me happy with this photos.

PS: She just turned 18 this last September 21. Too bad I didn't had the chance to go at her celebration party. But I wanted, honestly.

Links: yleniaelle@multiply.com
nesteasotanghon.deviantart.com