Eighteen Sweet Hearts.

Hep! Hep!

I had my latest photo shoot last September 12 with Erika.
She's a friend though we're not that close yet. She's Niel's sister. She's a bright, bubbly and cheerful gal and I like her because of that. I can still remember the first time I get involve with her. I was in mall with my friend Robby and she messaged the number Niel usually using to communicate with us (coz we're different on network used) and when we asked something thinking that that was Niel she suddenly said "sorry ate, hindi ako si kuya!" and we laughed. After that we kinda felt that she was fun to be with. Then I asked Niel if I could make friends with her, I text her and we kinda chatted for a short period of time. I can still remeber the last time I chated with her, it was all about the song she wanted me to make. And note! I did actually made a song for her, entitled "Maraming Bagay". She hadn't got the chance to hear the song but I bet you, she'll like it when she hears it coz 90% of the people who heard it loved it.

That time I still not know her personally until I got into friendster and saw her. I didn't really expect she's that sweet (or pretty). After that I had this urge that I wanted to make friends with her seriously and for the reason that coz I wanted her to be part of my photos. And..I can't explain either but there's something about her that made me feel comfortable even in the first time we chatted. I just feel home with her (though she's not to me).

Anyway, so there it goes, venue was at there house. Make-ups and design by me. Clothes and accesories, her. I love the photos coz its my first time to shoot with real fashion theme. Unlike my previous photos, my themes are focused on beauty alone.





I really love the shots and I admit I thought a lot of people would like it. But I guess nobody did, and if there are, again I didn't got the credits at all. Coz people will eventually love the model and the pictures itself but will never ask about the photographer--that's meee!

Well anyway, thanks Erika! You made me happy with this photos.

PS: She just turned 18 this last September 21. Too bad I didn't had the chance to go at her celebration party. But I wanted, honestly.

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Where's My Pillow?

Saturday night-Sunday morning:

I tried to sleep early last night--I could say just four hours ago--but I really couldn't. About 9:40 pm I brushed my teeth, drank my milk, and straight to bed. I listened to mellow songs as a lullaby to make me sleep. Around 10:15 pm, I finally reach my abstracting moment when suddenly my black little semi-juvenile cat sneaked into the house and bumped and woke me up. I barely can't stand the mewling and it might wake them all up. I opened my eyes--I barely can't. I can feel the muscle constructions of my both eyes. It felt like my veins are held up. My eyes are teary then--and grab him all the way outside. I get to bed for the second time. It's around 11:30 pm.

Still I can't sleep. I felt uncomfy and irritated. My allergies, they will bring me down, gah!~
So I scratched here, scratched there, scratched a little more until boom! I'll bleed and marks will be left--scars! Yes, I have white sensitive skin and I feel embarrassed whenever people saw this coin marks on my arms specially on my legs. Just think about it, there's a girl who's face was smooth but yuck she had a disturbing legs. Full of scars! Nah!

So after the scratchy period, I thought I can finally go to sleep. But I still can't. We're over crowded on the bed. I was on the edge and my little sister on the middle and my big sister on the other side on the wall. I can't move, I can't position myself to the comfy position I wanted when sleeping. I tried to bear all just to make it to the point--to sleep.

In this head, my thoughts are always deep. And I'm thinking about flying but I failed coz I can't fly. My imagination is a failure. This past few months, I can't rely on imagining--which was the only thing I have to make my day full. If I can't imagine, that means I'm uninspired coz nothing's worth it running on my head. Don't ever ask me coz I feel my inspiration has ran dry. That's what's going on I knew that. Then suddenly I thought of photography. I knew why I like girls on my photos--but it doesn't necessarily I mean I'm not open to guys or objects and stuffs--yup yup! Try to tell me if this has a point ok?

Beacuse I love skins, textures, curves and colors.

I love to capture the human curves and texture. The beauty, the skin and how colors match the scene. Then I love manipulating projections for more abstract way portration. With the dress and props that will complete the theme and of course the most important ingridient--emotion, the feelings.

After I muse about these things, I've decided to write these feelings, at least it would help. So, I stood up and front myself again at the monitor. Fingers on keyboard, glasses equiped, and ready to boom! Yeah!

And oh! I saw something again. Maybe that was actually the reason why I envy people, because I could see their smiles, so genuine and sweet. Unlike mine's, so fake and bitter.

(Ok you see, I'm still having my hard time.)
(I fight, I struggle. That's true.)

PS: My sister gave me 200 pesos and she told me to shop. If and only you can call it shopping, coz as far as I know shopping means a to buy a bunch, not an "item" only. I really want new blouses, I'll buy. Soon!

No Milk Tonight.

I don't know what will happen next after this. I just wanted this to end.

When I wanted to cry, I couldn't cause I wasn't allowed. I don't wanna cry again for the same lame reasons. I forbid myself from crying. Its because I get weaker every time I do. I wanted to stop feeling this way. I wanted to stop suffering. They said I'm just too emotional--teasing me like I'm not serious about this. It hurts a little bit. Its the first time I ever felt this lonely. I feel homeless.

Before, there's a lot of things I can do. Compose a song, compose poems and essays and stories, play both guitar and keys, I also enjoy dancing, I draw, and I tried photography recently. I was happy and lively. Everyday was a gift, a present I had been enjoying everyday. Challenges are the one that molds me through and through. I dreamed not just every night as I sleep but all the time through morning til afternoon that someday I'll reach those stars I look upon every night. I was inspired by my own spirit.

Later, I started to feel lonesome. Until I feel uninspired. Years had past then, I thought I just need a break or a fine ambiance to live in. I tried to fight the feeling and relaxed a bit. But nothing's change. Everything turned worst.

The people who cares:

shermine--she cares a lot but can't understand the way I feel coz we're in the different lane of interest. She always says sorry for that.

jinkee--she's just like shermine, she cares but doesn't understand me.

niel--he's the one who always there for me.

I just thought that it is really me who's helpless. I feel sorry for myself. I want to say sorry for them coz I can't do the things they want me to do. Coz I can't stand again, coz I can't be me. Sorry for being lame and loser. I can't hide it anymore, the proof are all around me. I've change. I turned into a paranoid, a stranger to myself even to them. I tried to stand and undo all the things I've done and said but I can't. I just can't.

I realized, those things I usually do. They're all senselessness. I thought that I'm different and people will surely love me coz I'm great and unique. But they don't. They don't even notice me. Its like I'm just a normal person and damn so stupid me coz I really think I'm great and unique but damn I AM NOT! I thought I can be like the girl I idolized ever since I tried photography but shit I CAN'T BE!

I have no chances at music, my songs have no chance to be heard nor liked by people. I gave them up coz I decided to pursue arts. To pursue photography or drawing or digital arts. But shit, you don't really know how much I want them to hear on stage.

How about my stories? I really love to start them all but I can't, I'm always lack of ideas and always not on the mood to write. When will I? Its been three years since I said to myself I'll going to write them.

I don't know which way to go now. I don't know where to find my way back home. Everything I want faded away. I feel stolen. I developed negative feelings inside me. I feel terribly envious, insecure, unpretty, loser. Everyday was a suffering. Sometimes I don't want to wake up anymore. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I want to rest.

Being positive is not enough anymore. I don't know how to handle things now. In school I feel pressured on our subjects. On my passion I feel unnoticed. I always ask "Bat laging yung kinuhanan k lng yung napapansin? Bat laging sila? Panu ako?"

I get angry whenever they reprimand me but..I can't just do it.

Maybe this is pointless. Its ok, I am always pointless.
I am always pointless.
I am always pointless.
I am always pointless.

Tonight even though I forbid myself:
I just want to cry all night.

Meltdown.

I've heard a lot of stories and sayings about "being happy" and there's a lot of things running in my head when I hear those words. Simple yet hard to possess. I admit I'm not happy in my life now. Not because there's no one to comfort me but because I feel torn. Even though they are all there, its not enough when the one who's eventually missing is me.

Its funny when he said I just need to be satisfied to be happy but the hell in the first place I don't even know how to be satisfied and even though I do, I don't know how to do it. Its funny when he said I just need self-confidence and I should believe on what I can do but did not even think that I don't know where to find those and if I do, I don't know how to. Its funny when he said I just need to stop acting stupid yet even though I tried my best to act normal the more they keep pushing me to feel stupid. Its funny when he said I just need to express myself yet that's the perfect moment when they start to ignore me. Its funny when he said I don't need any attention from those people around me but how can I perform progress if those people who pay attention are the few people who always do. Its funny when he said I just need to stop deep thinking but did not even think about the fact that I can't avoid it specially when I'm alone--how can I control myself when I'm confuse? Its funny when he said I can start over again but did not notice that whenever I tried to I always stumble. Its funny when he said I should stop feeling envious but did not even think how will I do it when there's so many stuffs I want and even though I do realize that, how will I stop myself. Its funny when he said I'm beautiful though the funniest thing there was I am not feeling beautiful and even though I really am, I don't know how to build confidence.

And this is for worst. I don't even know why I wrote this senselessness. Its not enough. Say it--shout it loud!--or write it. There's no make sense wasn't it? Everyday is just the same scenario. Same ambiance, same people, same screen, same music, same place, same emotion and most of all, same concept.

Always all about me--my stupid me.

Saccharine Secrecies.

A girl who dreams.

I finally found it. I finally found my way back home. A home full of dreams and passions and inspirations. I could say I am what I am before or simply I am me now again. The girl who dreams, who's passionate and inspired and constructive and bubbly. Its a little bit funny musing back from the day I nearly look like a fool. Even me myself can't explain that absurdity happened to me. But well, depression and confidence lacking is just normal to people. Its just that, maybe I was just at worst-est stage whenever I feel that way. You should understand.

After the clouds and squalls, my heart can't stick its broken pieces that fast. Construction should be taken slowly by picking and affixing the fragments at a time. One after another. One after another.

I found it hard to collect the pieces that fast but surely I knew they are just on the brink of freedom. Waiting for me to claim them, to repossess them. And now I almost got them all. Thanks for those people who keep them safe.

Let me share this to you. There's this girl whom I don't know that much, but we're definitely found peace and attention from each other. She thinks I'm better than her so I will never find anything functional or helpful from her. Maybe because she thinks she's younger than me. But she never knew she had a fragment--a very special fragment--which I don't really expect to find from her. She help me find my missing passion on expressing myself, my emotions and thoughts by words.

Now, I'm inspired to continue my stories and make them for real now. And I hope she do the same way. It'll be good if we share ideas and knowledge to create great literature composition and I'm willing to be part of her improvements. And she can treat me like a big sister--but! I told her not to put the "ate" before my name.

So what can you say? Sweet?

A boy who plays the keys.

I was shocked seeing him at the spot where I saw him for the first time and used to see for these past 4 years of my life. I can't help but steal a glance and I steal those glance smoothly so he can't catch me staring at him. Well, either way it seems that he'll never find me staring coz we're far from each other. But I saw him clearly coz of my glasses.

Its just hard for me to take my eyes away whenever there was a chance to look at him. I feel something pumping inside me specially when he sing the song he plays showing his emotions and spirituality and his faith.

I don't know if its because of my endearments for him before or because I envy him--Why? Because he found the peace with God and he is so dedicated. I admire his dedication and if he's dedicated, its just means that he believes. He had faith. And I want that faith.

I promised to myself that I'll do my best to reach that stage, to reach that peace, to possess that faith. I will look and look at that face until I find it enough. That face--so delicate and calm.

So what can you say? Bitter or sweet?

A lady at heart.

That was I always wanted--to know her better--so that these mischievous thoughts that blinds me to the true her will fade. And so I did. But still it wasn't enough, I'm still disappointed coz well, y'know the good thoughts that blinds me to the true her had fade meaning she doesn't possess those good traits eventually.

She made me happy and fascinated and I think thats enough already. I can't push myself to her. I can't make her talk to me so casual and friendly or maybe so close to me but I found it fine. As long as she's part of this heart of mine. That's fine already.

So what can you say? Awful or sweet?

Book Berries.

Everyday is just another page written. Everyday is an event that completes every chapter that will complete the story as a whole in the end. Life is just like novels we read. Thats why some people treat them as a mirror--well it was at the first place coz writers usually write stories halfway related to them--and some most affected people treat them as true even if they aren't--I mean we don't have to be serious on stories that much coz stories are still stories, there are some good enough to relate with, there are some should not be taken seriously. For me, I always treat every moment of my life as an story. Well, the good one of coures.

Let me share this to you. I'm the kind of person who live both reality and fantasy. I know there's a lot of people who does, what I mean is that I always wanted to live at fanatsy (I call it my world) more that reality. When I was a kid, my father told me I have a vast imagination and I agree on that. I play with my pens like soldiers. I sing songs like opening music for my world. I cherish moments that happens like movie moments y'know like slow motion and etc. And I love the rain. When there's rain, there's always an image and story on my head.

Lately, just this past 30min past, a friend of mine needed my help. So I help and I thought of something. I thought that every people has their own story. A sole story meant to be written where a certain person is the protagonist. But that story is connected and matched to other people's story. True True. Just like us. I have my own story but it was now written that she'll find comfort from me. And so now I'm on her story.

I don't know if this journal makes sense.
Its just that, I was happy realizing that. I want to write more chapters with more people to be part of it.

And I want an adventorous-with-a-punch-of-excitement-and-kiss-of-romance one. (tee-hee)

Cookie Box.

I will not change courses y'know. At first its hard to accept that even though there's a lot of people studying, or finished, the field contrary to their talents or hobbies.

Because of depression, I crave for shoots twice as much as I crave before. So I thought it will release all the toxic I feel inside but still, it doesn't.

But I'm not saying I'm not happy. Of course I was. I just have to dig a little bit more until I feel satisfied.

Shoot September 2:
with Shermine (rmine)



Shoot September 3:
with Jinkee (jinkee)



Shoot September 9:
with Kathy(katherine)




Shermine was a friend. I met her at church 4 years ago. She's turning 18 at 17 so don't forget to greet her (tee-hee).

Jinkee was a close friend and a high school classmate.

Kathy was my cousin. She's attractive just like me (haha).

Well, hope you like it. There are more models to come (I think, I can feel it).

For more: yleniaelle.multiply.com
And try visiting my deviant account: lovenath.deviantart.com

Sweetest Gift.

It is raining outside. I feel cozy sitting here while writing this. The rain—I always love the rain. Its tranquility calms me. And its cleaning me by washing off all the down beaten feelings I have so that after it all, I feel anew.

I was working on my spiritual report lately—I call it spiritual report because I’m compiling all the important verses so that I can explain them on the most simple and understandable way so that he’ll find it easy to understand—and I feel fine but I can hide the anxiety through that fine feeling. After I finished the first part of it, I don’t know, I just break down and cry. Maybe because I realized something.

That I crave for something new, I want things and stuffs, I want attention, I envy people, I’m jealous and insecure, that I want more to this life, success, fulfillment but through all that I forgot the greatest dream I ever wanted that none of these can replace.

That is the life with him. The life I want to spend with him with God. It’s the sweetest gift I can have. I always pray for him and I will never stop. I will never stop believing that someday he’ll understand it all. That someday he’ll possess that courage by believing faithfully. Even if all is against us. Even if they call it a sin. As long as I know God is with me through out this trial, I will fight. I will fight. I will fight. Because..

He is all I ever wanted.

We’ll overcome the entire obstacle. We’ll fly high together. We’ll stay at each other’s arms. We’ll stay in love with each other. It’s beautiful and wonderful. We’ll walk hand in hand on our way. We’ll fill each other’s spaces. We’ll be in love forever. We’ll believe and trust God. We’ll praise him together. We’ll be there for each other—always.

It all began when I said:
"I think I fell for you"
and he immediately answered:
"You mean, your name?"

Pain Cakes.

The pain is pulsating within me. Like icicles shuddering through, making the pain and casting contagious cold. I can't tolerate the pain. I can't fight. I get so weak, so vulnerable. I want to stop this nonsenses. I want to stop acting and feeling this way.

Please please I'm begging! Help me wash away these tears. Help me find peace. Help me forget all about these nonsenses feelings. Control me if you can so I can't do things on my own. Because it hurts that much. It hurts that much.

Release me from this confusion.
Heed my confessions.
Bear my bawls.
Know my emotions.

I wish pain is just like a cake. Easy to eat and satisfying.

Wiggly and Yellowee.

Question:
Why does the color yellow means jealous? Why does a jelly said to be meant as jealous? Was it because it starts at "J-E-L" too?

Jealousy.

I confess. I think I'm just jealous. Or you can call it insecurities if you want. I'm having a hard--a really hard-rigorous time--feeling this way.

Bitter Rush.

Say I'm bitter. But that is what I am feeling right now. I hate it when someone used me for her own advantages. If you like me, let me feel it and don't ever use me or the things I can do for your own sake. I'm not bragging nor being big headed person but I'm starting to be like that because of those like you. Stop it.

I really hate it. I can't explain why but she definitely making me feel stupid on my own. I like her in a way I can't explain and I thought she's the one I can hold on to sometimes--I mean girl talks, sweet moments, likes and interests--but she barely spun my head and I'm very disappointed on her. I think she's a beauty but as soon as I knew her...you definitely don't want me to say the word: disappointing.

Yeah. Now, I don't know where this feeling will take me to. It's like I want to prove something on her which was really proven already. I don't know, I just can't help the thoroughly rushing of bitterness through my veins, through my heart (I mean my emotion) whenever she talks to me. She said I'm good but I did not felt any considerations, really.

So 'bout the head bragging thing I mentioned lately, yes I think I'm starting to boast my works. Not for everyone. I think it was specifically for her. Because really, I want her to notice me. I want her to feel I'm comfortable to be with and there's a lot of things I can do and she'll love me definitely. I want her to see that I can perform different and special stuffs that she can't find to her usual-typical flirtatious friends whose all the things knew to do was to flirt and drowned themselves to vanity. I hate girls like that but I realized she's like that. At first I thought making friends with her will lead to something profound because on the fact that we had many reasons to become close friends (I'm not gonna tell you those reasons coz I want her to be anonymous. If I tell you that, someone could recognize her). And then that's it. Always a thought so. I admire her but she seems to bypass me.

And then she suddenly puff out of the scene again. And I get offended on the way she talks to me.

Now its all about the credits and publicity. There are some girls who wanted to be part of my "conceptualize model photography" stuffs (which is for fun only--well before) coz they just want to look pretty on photos. Argh! What a senseless reason. And I hate it. Then all the credits will be given to the featured face. How about the photographer? Did they even think about "who did this photo? or "you have a nice shot here girl, who's the photographer?" y'know something like that blah blah. But as far as I can recall, for those who have seen my photos with my friend Jinkee, they never ask about me. They just simply said "wow jinkee!you have a nice photos. its pretty!" and its insulting me when they compliment her with "your awesome jinkee!"

Wah! what about me?

If they want publicity coz of the pics I've done for them, I want publicity too for the shots that I treat as my art that I've done for myself.

I am really baffled right now cause of th negative feelings I have. I want new faces for my works but I don't know which is which of those girls are qualified to be part of my portfolio.

Cry for Cup Cake.

I definitely don't like a cup cake right now. But if someone would do care to give me one, I'll stop crying. I promise.

I tried to make this day progressive as I can. Unluckily, I failed.
I tried to enjoy this short vacation as I can. Unluckily, I failed. Tomorrow would be judgment day for my grades at school. Oh! I haven't told you yet about school. I hate to mention it but I think you should know.

Well, here it goes.

*I'm currently studying as Com Sci student. I hate the subjects studied there except for English and PE because I love them both. I hate the people around because they are so senseless and they love to look like stupids. They're so self/get-up conscious people and they don't even realize they are. Blah blah..ha ha..
And then I hate the campus's ambiance. Maybe because I hate the people as mentioned above, and maybe also because I like to be part of art students studying art at arts school. Well, I've already accept that fact that I will never get this chance to shift courses. I have to abstain and go with the flow. Anyway that was it. Tomorrow will be judgment day.I hope i have a passing grade at majors.

So that's it, I tried to take a nice shoot late this afternoon. I put on make-up. Enk! But I failed. It did not turn out very well. But I care to share this two clips. :)





Note: Don't tell me I'm over emoting. That's after-cry session-shot. So just give me the moment.

Afternoon Ice Cold Punch.

Last August 28'08, I've done my latest photo shoot with Jinkee (a friend, the best one I think). It was and unexpected afternoon shoot. Here's the photos:

Model: Jinkee
Photo: Me
Direction: Me
Make-up: Me
Outfit and Designs: Me

Accessories: Orange Umbrella

Accessories: Motorcycle(?)

I'm looking forward for another shoot. And somehow with another model.

For more:
yleniaelle.multiply.com