Coco Jamming.

Hep hep hep!

From left to right: Ren, Ace, Drew, and Paul.

Its been a while. So busy and stressed out yet so happy. After all the projects done, job stuffs finished, finally I can breath relaxingly. Haha. I had a great day today. I had a music jamming with friends and it was very fantastic. I've enjoyed myself singing. Actually, I haven't got the chance to play nor sing as the singer but I had so much fun just watching the band and singing with them.

Here are the photos:

Here's Paul. He's the lead guitarists and a close friend (they are all my friends anyway). A serious man with a gentle twist. He rocks! I can't help but be amazed when he plays the guitar. He's awesome! He can play almost all the songs I requested and we have the same interests in music. We become close last trimester and I really love the way he plays Faraway by Nickelback.


Andrew. We're not that close as with Paul and the others but I like him. At first, I didn't expect him as a drummer coz he looked like someone who doesn't coz he's some kind of a hottie--y'know the height the face the hair the body--(I mean he's handsome :3) but he's good. He's supposed to be my escort when I become the muse on our intramural. I can't help but giggle when he suddenly
gone out of focus with his sticks.


This naughty guy is Ace aka as Iceman. He's the vocals. He love to sing in fact he had mini videoke on his phone. I can still remember when we sang with his mini videoke at the library. Haha! The librarian reprimanded us. He's a close friends too. We become close last trimester with Paul. This guy was funny but clever and responsible. I love being with him. No dull moments.



Here's Ren. I like him coz I like quite, shy, mysterious and somewhat weird persons. That's a compliment ok. If your asking why I took the shot from behind, well, that's because he doesn't want to face us. We're not that close yet but I wanna make friends with him just like with Paul and Ace.


Ace, Drew and Paul: We are singing along. I sang and sang.


Ren and Ace: Ace seems to feel the song right here.


Ren, Ace and Drew: Sing it Iceman!


Ren and Ace: Nice pose Ren!


Playing Narda by Kamikazee. I love this shot. I manage to framed them all. I found it hard at first coz the shy Ren doesn't want to move close with his band mates. Juvenile.

In a nutshell:

Guitar - Paul
Drums - Drew
Bass - Ren
Vocals - Ace
Keyboard (future haha) - Love
Audiences and BGVoices - Love, Mich, Enrica, and Florentin

I was really happy! I hope on the next jamming, I can finally play or sing with them. I really love band. I can play guitar and keyboard but haven't got the chance to enhance my skills with them. I wanna stop my music interest before and decided to focus on arts--my drawings, designing and photography even on my literature imagination. I wanted to finish my novels and do a lot of art photography. But then suddenly coz of them, my slumbering music passion was awaken. I wanted to play and to be part. I wanted them to hear my songs. Well, let's just wait on the upcoming events. All I know right now is that I'm very happy. They made me. I was drown into a deep depression and I just wanted to be happy, to be lively and cheerful and to be sweet as the person I was before. I wanted to get close more to them--to my friends.

Addition:
Here's the sample of my latest photo shoot.

Model: Me
Photo: Me

Misplaced Inspiration.

After 1 month and 4 days, I finally had another pair of shoots. Last October 16 with Jinkee.

For the first time in our shoot (sounds professional ya but hehe just let me feel it that way), I was happy that we have our make-up artist. Tah-dah! She was Jinkee's sister. Ate Shiela. I played with the make-ups while waiting for them to finish.

Ate Shiela was good at beauty stuffs. In fact she even thought me some styles and techniques to improve my make-up skills. We're not that glamorous but I found it happy bonding with them with these simple stuffs. And note haha, its kinda funny, we don't have sponge to use with the foundation so we used baby Kraven's cottons. Baby Kraven was Ate Shiela's baby. He's cute.



Our theme was fleshy fashion approach. Something like that. So we used nude colors. 3 color combination on the eyes. On her lips we used nude lipstick and nude pink lip gloss. We used orange blush on for her chick. I was fascinated with the golden pillow so I came up with an idea of a gold dress. Flesh, nudity, black and gold: the colors circling on my head forming ideas.



Confession: Well, If you're gonna ask me I'm not really satisfied with those photos we've taken. I feel that something's missing with the photos. Or..something's missing with me.

On my shoot with Erika, I did the make-ups. Well..hehe its not good! But I have no choice. So much time was wasted and I really wanted to start the shoot. While taking pictures, I realized something.Erika was really a beauty. She just need to trash her consciousness and feel free to express her emotion and make some style: projection baby! show it!

Well its her first time. I understand.

Confession again: Still something is missing.

Lone Flourished.

Whistling wind gust on me as I walk onto the pavement of clean forestry straight road behind the chapel. Its drizzling, I put my hoods on and the raindrops are cold—I can feel them soothing through my jacket flowing to reach my skin until I finally feel them cold. I was with someone, but I do feel sole unconsciously walking along.

While I wonder I realized that that place was like green house. Full of plants and evergreen. And then I looked down and saw the fellow living life form.

Emotion Flow.

A Poem

They ebb and they flow.
What was I thinking all this time?
Does it matter if it's not shown?
Indeed, emotions can't ring it's chime.
If ignored, do not frown.

The last time I muse about the past,
Was that because everything was revealed.
So unexpected to realize its not the last:
Can't find the rigid.
Can't let go the dusk.

They ebb, they flow.
Through the pavement
My emotions they flow
My thoughts without arrangements
They ebb and they flow.

Just deal with it. Accepted.
At least there are instants they mend.

They ebb, they flow.
Through the shore
My emotions they flow
My thoughts can't soar
They ebb and they flow.

In My World.

I stood despairingly in front of the broken lumber on the floor. I’m not moving. I can’t make any tinge of movement. I am holding nothing with any connection with my broken lumber on my broken floor on my broken house. I stood still.

Lifting my head was not a very easy task for me to try. Everything was a grave for me—my soul, my mind, my heart, my body—everything is heavy. But moving was the only thing I can do to make myself busy. I rolled my eyes mapping the area’s vicinity. I moved my head unison with my deep breathing to the direction where my eyes caught something interesting in. But I did saw nothing. I just did saw nothing.

It was cold that moment. Not the temperature itself but the coldness of feeling alone that has been haunting me since. I gripped. I felt the rough texture of my broken pen wrapped absurdly in my wounded and shaking hand. It was sad. Really sad. Everything is gone. Everybody is gone. Or maybe they are not actually been here with me.

I’m all alone.

Trying to cope up with the gates of confusion I am imprisoned. Trying to find peace when I’m confused. Trying to find hope when I’m hopeless. Trying to imitate the smile I had been wearing on my face a long time ago. Everything is a trial. Just to make myself busy and progressive. But nothing is worth doing. All was just another way to dig me a deeper hole on my sentiments. I can’t do right. Maybe that is why nobody is around to help me grip a little more right at this very moment.

I’m all alone. Indeed.

Even if I try to avoid musing over the past everything I thought about is a part of it. It’s just hard to compare the past from now. Because everything is clearly obvious.

Back there, the sun was always at its comfortable heat while lighting the whole place. Back there, several people can be seen outside my house giving gifts and sharing love with each other. Of course with me also. Back there, every morning and every night is a bash, a celebration. Back there, I can hear all the sounds that everybody had made. But now, all was fogged by silence. Back there, I can feel the love that was unconditionally given. The hate that has been thrown the moment that it was realized. Everything is at peace. Back there, no one is allowed to critic me, to hate me, to lie to me, to fight me, to stab me back. But now, I just realized that it was all impossible. That it was all a dream-like would never be real even if I tried my best to be a better and nice person to the world’s countenance. Because, even if it’s sad to accept, the world itself was made that way. Back there, the wind whispers waving echoes of lullaby that sweetens people’s hearts. Unlike now, it howls the presence of disgrace and balefulness. Back there, the place was almost paradise with long fencing flowers along the barriers of it. The clouds are always high, drifting up high forming dreams and wishes. Yet they are dark and they look dirty cottons hung all over the sky now. Back there, the sky was cerulean bright.

It’s not my first time to be this disappointed on every thought I thought about. My world was half stolen by Hades as it looks. I can’t believe I’m leaving every dream that others have been dreaming about. What was it at the first place?

In my world, I never wore cover ups, never wore mask, and never ever tried to. I’m bright and happy and adventurous. Every edge in my world was thoroughly searched. I walk, I run, I jump and fly. And if somebody will make me slither, I dance. Dance until I make them to dare too. I never lied long. I’m always wide awake. I’m on progress. I’m light but not because I’m empty. I’m flying not drifting. Suspended on the wings of my silver dreams. I’m poised like a stunning lady but I think as a playful child in positivism and self recovery. I’m clever enough to protect my self from harmful attempts. I’m not envious and boastful. I care for emotions. I care for people without any conditions offered. I’m happy, not conceited, loving and most of all—satisfied.

But.

(There are buts always.)

I realized that all of them were just a thought rolling inside my head over and over again.
Not the truth, not the reality.

The truth now is that I’m different person from the one that I thought so. My world was made of envious doors and windows. Painted with dull colors of fear. Designed with curtains of mask and cover ups. Planted with trees of growing hate. Fenced with barbwires of sticking egotism. Roofed with unreachable mind that was always close to words and advices. Walled with rebelling emotions. Set at the negative side of facts. Arranged as a pile of rambled chapters of a story.

What will happen to me now? Everybody left me behind. And for those who did not, I know they starting to distance themselves from me. Even if they don’t tell me I’m not an innocent numb person not to feel that. I’m helpless. My mind was always closed to self believing and improvement. But I can’t change that fact NOT NOW that all I have in mind was that I can’t do, I can’t say anything acceptable for those people around me. Everything was just a contradiction. Everything they say was just another way for me to criticize myself more. Do I deserve criticism? Do I deserve to be pushed down through just to realize my potential? Is that it? Do I deserve that treatment? Are there any considerations that I need more affection than they know?

Now, it is more painful and hard to stand myself up. I was put into pressure that smothers me every time I caught on loosing grip. I don’t know which way to go—I’m lost—which way to shout for help—there’s no one at my side anymore—which way to pull the ropes of courage—I’ve got nothing anymore—and to whom I trust myself to—is there anyone?

With this pen I’m holding, help me draw my world. My world that has been there all along in my mind.