Bitter Rush.

Say I'm bitter. But that is what I am feeling right now. I hate it when someone used me for her own advantages. If you like me, let me feel it and don't ever use me or the things I can do for your own sake. I'm not bragging nor being big headed person but I'm starting to be like that because of those like you. Stop it.

I really hate it. I can't explain why but she definitely making me feel stupid on my own. I like her in a way I can't explain and I thought she's the one I can hold on to sometimes--I mean girl talks, sweet moments, likes and interests--but she barely spun my head and I'm very disappointed on her. I think she's a beauty but as soon as I knew her...you definitely don't want me to say the word: disappointing.

Yeah. Now, I don't know where this feeling will take me to. It's like I want to prove something on her which was really proven already. I don't know, I just can't help the thoroughly rushing of bitterness through my veins, through my heart (I mean my emotion) whenever she talks to me. She said I'm good but I did not felt any considerations, really.

So 'bout the head bragging thing I mentioned lately, yes I think I'm starting to boast my works. Not for everyone. I think it was specifically for her. Because really, I want her to notice me. I want her to feel I'm comfortable to be with and there's a lot of things I can do and she'll love me definitely. I want her to see that I can perform different and special stuffs that she can't find to her usual-typical flirtatious friends whose all the things knew to do was to flirt and drowned themselves to vanity. I hate girls like that but I realized she's like that. At first I thought making friends with her will lead to something profound because on the fact that we had many reasons to become close friends (I'm not gonna tell you those reasons coz I want her to be anonymous. If I tell you that, someone could recognize her). And then that's it. Always a thought so. I admire her but she seems to bypass me.

And then she suddenly puff out of the scene again. And I get offended on the way she talks to me.

Now its all about the credits and publicity. There are some girls who wanted to be part of my "conceptualize model photography" stuffs (which is for fun only--well before) coz they just want to look pretty on photos. Argh! What a senseless reason. And I hate it. Then all the credits will be given to the featured face. How about the photographer? Did they even think about "who did this photo? or "you have a nice shot here girl, who's the photographer?" y'know something like that blah blah. But as far as I can recall, for those who have seen my photos with my friend Jinkee, they never ask about me. They just simply said "wow jinkee!you have a nice photos. its pretty!" and its insulting me when they compliment her with "your awesome jinkee!"

Wah! what about me?

If they want publicity coz of the pics I've done for them, I want publicity too for the shots that I treat as my art that I've done for myself.

I am really baffled right now cause of th negative feelings I have. I want new faces for my works but I don't know which is which of those girls are qualified to be part of my portfolio.